If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
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Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.