If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
the icebreaker
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.