“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.