God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
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*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?
The air hockey table.
All our bathrooms have one.
Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: get out