If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The fall of Netflix
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My boss called in sick of me
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
WHO DID THIS?
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*