If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.

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Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.


My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.


New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds


“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”


“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary


Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me


Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL


I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy


job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead