@curlycomedy

If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.

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@justokpanda

Curiosity killed the cat, but an ancient tribal burial site brought him back. Whoopsies.

@HelloCullen

My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.

@pixelatedboat

New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds

@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

@MichaelTrying

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

@NewDadNotes

Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I’m gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me

@NYC_Blonde

Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL

@schumoo

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

@pterotactful

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead