Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
You Might Also Like
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
For the ones in the back.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Hotels are back
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.