Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.