If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
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DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I miss this era type of pranks😭
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
? 💀
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.