If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”


pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..


My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.


Obama’s not stupid. If he’s spying, he’s going to do it through an appliance Trump actually uses: the tanning bed.


Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.


“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.


After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is


condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids


This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.


ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts