If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I never needed anything more in my life
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
best first i’ve ever seen