@OBiiieeee

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

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@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@liv_thatsme

Obama’s not stupid. If he’s spying, he’s going to do it through an appliance Trump actually uses: the tanning bed.

@pharmasean

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

@UnFitz

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

@junejuly12

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

@HenpeckedHal

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

@Darlainky

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts