@dubstep4dads

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

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@notacroc

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

@XplodingUnicorn

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

@iamspacegirl

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

@Jake_Vig

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

@girlontapas

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@mommajessiec

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

@timdonakowski

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?