if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

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Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this


Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.


what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise


George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.



The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.


If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…


*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.


If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?