If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Planet of the Apps.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.