if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
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but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
every college guy’s fridge
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
My first child will be named New Folder.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*