If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
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Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
#Caturday
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island