The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
Me: EASTER, EASTER, EASTER
Wife: *trying to level a picture frame* I’m gonna murder you if you don’t start saying left or right
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.
I laughed- but water it at night just in case
Her: Will I see you again?
*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire