If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls


Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.


A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.



Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?



Wife: *trying to level a picture frame* I’m gonna murder you if you don’t start saying left or right

Me: Wester


Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.


[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?


My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.

I laughed- but water it at night just in case



Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.


ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire