@samfromks

If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma’am… That’s on you.

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@GauravBlue4ever

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

@jonnysun

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@ladybroseph

*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.

@keatingthomas

They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”

@briangaar

See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.

@Mom_Overboard

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

@jonnysun

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS