Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
If you wear a man bun in a dimly lit restaurant and I call you ma’am… That’s on you.
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Whisper out to librarians!
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
This is nice.
This is also pretty cool.
Oh okay this is my favorite.
They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”
See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS