[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
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My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?