If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
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Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.