VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
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[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*