All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
If you wear a onesie to a wedding, no one will ever invite you to another one.
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1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.
It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*