If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

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[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars


A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.


thank u scooby doo. u taught me that monsters aren’t real and that the thing hiding in my closet is actually an unhinged museum curator draped in a white bedsheet


Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette


Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.


wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time


hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out


I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.


me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-


me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-


Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.