If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
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[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.