*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Mood.. 😂
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you