@FabMommy29

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

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@dyldonot

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

@iamburtjarvis

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

@phaggots

“911, please help im dying”
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad

@envydatropic

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

@FloodyHippie

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

@Daveastated

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

@wolfpupy

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

@Gupton68

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.