If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce