Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
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I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.