If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

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If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.


I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead


My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.


Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.


If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.


Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!


My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.