If the cure for AIDS could get you high, we’d figure it out in about a week.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Before you say you “value my opinion,” just know if a genie granted me 3 wishes, one of them would be to star in Sister Act 3.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.