If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
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ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me