If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
O Wise One….
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.