If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
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You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.