If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???