WHO DID THIS?
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They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
No, YOUR illiterate.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
🤣
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside