That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Probably my best painting.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?