If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.

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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps


[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?


I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂


*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*

“Hey, a little help here?”


If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.


I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.