Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.
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-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*
“Hey, a little help here?”
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.