@ibid78

If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.

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@moutheaters

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

@SarahKanowski

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

@Mardigroan

*Brings a dozen unsliced bagels to a knife fight*

“Hey, a little help here?”

@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.