how much for the angry fruit?
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[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
🙁
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”