@ibid78

If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.

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@SondraDeeMe

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

@Midgetspar

My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, “I miss you dad, please take me fishing.” But it keeps coming out like, “Hey, can I have $20 dollars.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@HenpeckedHal

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

@withanewname

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

@Bob_Heller

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

@Cpin42

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

@thatdutchperson

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

@dorseyshaw

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job