I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
first you must answer his riddles
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law