I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
You Might Also Like
Definition of a Will: It’s a dead giveaway.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
WELL IF BEING DISCHARGED FROM THE HOSPITAL ISNT THE BEST TIME TO ASK ABOUT A THREESOME THEN IM FRESH OUT OF IDEAS
Me: What do you think about that?
5 minutes later
“Great speech! Have you thought about giving it from behind a wooden box for some reason?” – podium salesman
my dad once said “do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way” then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.