If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I want to meet the individual who made this
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.