If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn