If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”