If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Friday night party time 馃コ
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Bartender: Hey! What鈥檚 new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend鈥檚 pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What鈥檚 wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
going over to my buddy鈥檚 house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there鈥檚 any items in there that i need
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn鈥檛 fit in my main handbag
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 馃憤*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did