@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

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@MartaEffing

Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.

AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.

@tchrquotes

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

@CoolCamel69

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

@junejuly12

Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.

@piplips

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

@thxmby

I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

@mommajessiec

Kid: Mom, will you play with me?

Me: Sure.

Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.

Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*

@ryanyeetz

i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero