Tonight’s Menu: Gourmet pork blend sausage with organic tomato reduction, served on warm split bread rolls.
AKA: Hot dogs with ketchup.
If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.
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Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
i’ve seen enough demonic possession movies to know that as soon as you see your kid just standing at the foot of your bed, you kill it. don’t be a hero