@UnIxphysco

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

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@dvoted_hubsand

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

@sugarwits

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

@hannahhhhxoxo

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

@gogocosmonaut

Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

@skittle624

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be

@seamussaid

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards