If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
You Might Also Like
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
8鈥檚 school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They鈥檝e given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke鈥檚 on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I鈥檓 by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
She鈥檚 a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
me 2 months after i graduated
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Can鈥檛, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i鈥檒l wait.