If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”


Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates


i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him


Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.


My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.


My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.


HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?

HER: i mean what else would it be


my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards