If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.