If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

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No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.


How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?


Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?


Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.


When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.


If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors


This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.