If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Home #decor warning.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
This is the one
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Strangers have the best candy.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”