@Ivsy01

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.

@KentWGraham

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

@osno13

Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?

@GensPlace

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

@freedom2726

When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.

@Sophie2078

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

@emsykay

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.