If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
You Might Also Like
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.