If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”