If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
You Might Also Like
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
A roof is a house hat.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.