Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha
Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.