@Bob_Janke

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

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@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

@onelongbender

When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?

@agathagotstoned

May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie

@adultblackmale

[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on

@AnAverageGiant

Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.

Your mom is a hermaphrodite.

@Shenaniglenns

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@AbbieEvansXO

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN