@Bob_Janke

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

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@OneFunnyMummy

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

@RecursiveTaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@TheAlexNevil

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

@Tmoney68

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

@1Happytwit

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

@jngraphs

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

@LaziestCanine

[uses the restroom]
Wife: make sure to put the toilet seat down
Me: okay
Me: [to toilet seat] you’re worthless and nobody likes you

@ArfMeasures

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

@CourtneyBale

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.