I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
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When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR
May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on
ALADDIN: *pulls up google earth*
JASMINE: this is not what I had in mind
Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon.
Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN