Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.
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Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians
Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?