If your bf/gf is mad at you put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super mad!” If they laugh marry them.

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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”


[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog


Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys


Friend (dumb, annoying): christmas was stolen from a pagan holiday by the Christians

Me (brilliant, well-read): actually, it was stolen by the Grinch but he gave it back


[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk


Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”


Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?