Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
okay run it by me one more time
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks