If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
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When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.