A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
oh shit
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew