if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

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For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”


But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?


“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.


[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already


So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.


Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-



“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”

“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”

“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”


[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.


Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’


Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.