@katietiedrich

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

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@LaytesAgain

For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering “Do something stupid to your hair.”

@Fab_Mommy_

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

@WritePlay

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

@chuuew

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

@SukaSycho420

So we need to go over your drug history…

Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.

@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

@monicaheisey

“the uk couldn’t POSSIBLY leave”

“trump couldn’t POSSIBLY be president”

“we couldn’t POSSIBLY start eating each other out of necessity”

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

@TequilaTears

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.