if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
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A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now