If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.