@TheBoydP

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

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@camelSWAG69

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

@Shimmersteak

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

@TheBoydP

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *reclines* Nice

Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table

Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs

@Reverend_Scott

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

@dshack8

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

@E_lok44

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

@ArfMeasures

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

@anon_mommy

Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.

I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass