[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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Hard to believe that January 2020 was only seven years ago.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: *reclines* Nice
Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table
Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Hubby’s ex emailed him wanting to “reconnect”.
I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass