@TheBoydP

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

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@Reverend_Scott

Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.

Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY

@McAttack88

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

@NicestHippo

You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space

@dianaaadee

netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex

@GensPlace

I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@torrami

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

@SladeWentworth

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it