Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
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Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
You know how sometimes you destroy your house & instead of cleaning you’re like “Screw it let’s just move?” That’s why we’re exploring space
netflix has the worst movie selection no wonder everyone just starts having sex
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it