Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.