Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
You Might Also Like
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
why I oughta
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?